Successful Life

Dean returns home from work about 20 minutes after leaving the house. His brother and I are sitting on the deck; it’s a rare hot afternoon on the west side of San Francisco. 

Dean is teaching soccer part time before relocating to Boston for a full time position. Today’s classes were for two and three year olds. It’s a performative job - there’s music and singing and different themes each week. Dean uses two large dolls, Mimi and Papi, to show the kids what to do. The soccer balls are custom small - the size of grapefruits. If a ball bumps into Dean, he falls down dramatically, pretending he’s injured, to the delight of the toddlers. Whatever the little ones do, right or wrong, it’s high fives all around. “High five Chloe!” “High five Teddy! Hi five Jude”

“What happened?” I ask him.

“They blew it with the schedule again. The field is being used for a festival so the three classes I was set to teach were canceled.”

He sits down and slumps over the table, looking sad.

“What is it?”

“I just feel really bad. The parents were upset that the sessions were canceled after coming to the park, and so were the kids. I feel responsible.”

“You are not responsible for this. You did your part and showed up on time, with all the equipment, ready to teach. You spoke with the families and represented the company, but it is not your error. Don’t let their error bleed over onto you.”

“And now they want me to work tomorrow.”

“But they gave you the day off. You were gonna go sailing with Dad during Fleet Week and the Blue Angels.”

“I know.”

He heads upstairs to his room. I go up later to talk to him.

“Dean, I saw something recently where a few wise people were asked about the key to a successful life. I expected them to say things like emotional intelligence, or discipline, or detachment. You know what their answer was?”

“What?”

“Boundaries. I was surprised at first. But it makes total sense. Like your employer, for example. There’s a bit of a mess brewing because you’re feeling responsible when you shouldn’t be, and thinking you should give up your day on the boat after you were promised the day off, and none of it is your doing. There’s some mismanagement here, clearly, but it’s also about boundaries.”

“Yeah.”

Boundaries are tough work. They’re often tricky to identify and even harder to honor. But, a good starting place has to be with the agreements we make.

Dean holds his ground about his day off, telling his boss he made a commitment to family. He leaves the scheduling issues unaddressed, for now. But it’s a beginning.

Photo by Annette Litle; annettelitlesf.com